Broken thoughts

It's that time again. Yeah, it's full moon. I'm watching it right now. It's so beautiful, so round, so bright, it's like magic. Surrounded by darkness, little flickering stars, trying to send me a cosmic message. I think they are trying to cheer me up, because I feel like shit, worthless. Like a fucking useless dog shit. A dog shit picked up and thrown into the trash can. I think everybody knows this feeling. I think everyone knows how is to love someone and not getting the same thing in return. When I met her I thought I had found the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I was done. All the girls, all the bars, pubs or clubs, all the family issues, were poof gone. Who the fuck knew or cared? I was done. But tonight I'm not gonna write about her. It's not her night. I'm gonna write about my thoughts and feelings, some fucking random soul fragments. So now you think I'm broken? Come and fix me then, I'm no quitter. 

Rejection feels different for everybody. There are a lot of emotions involved. Some say you have to use objective judgement. I don't think that even exists. It's bullshit. Judgement is subjective. Everyone is entitled to an opinion and a reaction. My reaction to rejection starts with denial."She can't reject me. I'm too good". Slightly arrogant, and that's because I have a kaleidoscopic mind. It never stops. When I realize what's happening, there is pain. This thing actually hurts. It fucking hurts. It feels like you lost the most precious thing. I didn't do anything, I just sat there in that misery. 

The next thing that comes is disappointment, losing the self esteem. That's the moment when I self sabotage myself. Feeling worthless, powerless, I didn't expect her to leave. Now the real shit starts. Anger is coming and it's a fucking mess. In my imagination I smash everything. Nothing gets away. If I have hope, that means I have expectations. Nothing makes it worse than the thought of how you imagined it supposed to be. There's denial again, because of the hope. I can't give up on her, I can't let her go. There's always this voice in the back my head saying maybe now it's the time, maybe now the stars will align for you two and there will be this magic moment where everything will be just fine again. I don't expect her to have some kind of a epiphany, and I don't care if she's fucking someone else, it's just, when I see her looking at someone like she used to look at me, I fucking hate that, and it hurts again like hell. 

I think that's jealousy. Maybe it's something wrong with me. The anger fades away, but the frustration stays. There's nothing I can do. Eventually I accept this, bud the sadness remains. It's like a huge balloon, where nothing can touch me. I'm locking myself in there, speaking to no one.

There's also distance, which allows me to do more, and allows us to be quiet, but that's even worse. Not speaking to her is worse than speaking to her about other guys. I don't know how the fuck that happens. I hate that I'm not there, near her, I believe that being there would change something in the right direction. Ah, the fucking hope again.

It all ends by thinking about the truth. When we were together, we were invincible or something. I know that I live by the moment, but when it comes to her, I want all the moments, I want a future. Above all, there is love. I love her, man, in the most truthful way. Love is or ain't. "I'm not interested in being original, I'm interested in being true." said someone, and that's how I am. I feel the love for her, I feel it in all my body, in every cell, otherwise I won't be writing this...