Temporary

Imagine a huge port. That port is you. A lot of boats and ships are coasting the port. Those boats and ships are the people in your life, your friends, your family and your acquaintances. Of course there are boats just passing by and don't stop in the port. There is also a lighthouse, and with it you're making yourself seen, now that's your character, personality, qualities, flaws, passions, I mean everything that can make you acknowledged. Some boats see you, and some of them just ignore you. Those are the rejections, your crushes, your failed job interviews and all the failures during your lifetime. Now let's go back to the ships in the port. Some of them are there since forever, some of them just arrived. They are there longer or shorter and remember this. All of them are temporary staying there, doesn't matter which one, but all of them have a purpose being there. Every single one is there to teach you something, to show you something, to influence you in some way and to help you somehow. After the job is done, everyone will leave somehow, sooner or later. And that's absolutely normal, that's ok. The only permanent thing is you and your memories of the ships. Never forget that.

RIP, grandma!! This is for you, wherever you are!!!

Friendship

I've had quite a struggle to put down some words about this. My trust is a delicate thing. I don't trust too many people, I trust me, but those people who have my trust are special. I am very grateful to have them in my life, and they are very grateful to have me in their lives. I call them best friends, and let's say there is a order, but that order changes pretty often, it is never the same. Most of them are women. I kinda trust women more than men, I don't know why. They think better than men, most of the time. One recent moment with one of my friends, when my trust in women fell kinda hard, it had me thinking. Am I doing something wrong by trusting them too much? Is there in this thing something such as "too much"? Me and her have a lot of history, we were together and then decided to stay friends because yeah, we are fucking amazing as human beings. I have to admit I have a huge respect for her and her family, I am a very impulsive person, and she is the only one on this planet who can temper my impulses, I don't know how the fuck she does it. She's given me a friendship, that kind of friendship that is more than consideration, admiration or appreciation, it's almost family, but unlike family, she never turned away. She's among few who truly sees me and doesn't judge, she accepts me as I am and that kind of friendship is everything, it is the stuff of life itself. But due to this thoughtfulness, I didn't say love, because she might understand something else. When I did, it felt wrong from her. Yes, I tend to exaggerate by expressing my feelings for those whom I love, but this is me, it's nothing wrong of expressing feelings, and she has to know this by now about me. Well according to the last thing, she doesn't, or she doesn't acknowledge it, yet. I did send my appreciation, as usual on a special occasion, but it didn't went well. She interpreted that message as something else, and she told me she want a break. A break from what? From friendship? How is that even possible? I might  understand a break in a love relationship, but not in a friendship. I never felt something like that before, and when I feel something bad and new, I get angry and impulsive. I was willing to give up at everything with her in that anger moment, but once again, she managed, involuntary, to calm me the fuck down, and I accepted her side of story because that was what she felt, and I respect feelings. But how about mine? No one knew how I felt, not even her. I felt punished for being a friend. My confidence and my trust were smashed away in a blink of an eye.
It's been almost two months since then, and I still don't get it. In my opinion everything was doing just fine, and boom now it isn't. What the fuck, man? Am I doing something wrong by trusting them too much?

Death

You have no clue about when life can fall in the abyss of eternity, It takes sacrifice to understand death. Sacrifice of the loved ones. No one wants to imagine life can pass like this, until it does. It's a "price" that everyone has to pay at some point. Someone special like your father, or like your grandmother goes for a reason, and that's destiny; death is the moment you understand life, and that's good.

Now you can't imagine life without them, so strange, like the sky not being blue, with an excruciating pain in your heart. You can't breathe, tears all over your face, but it's for the greater good, honey, your good, and no one can take that from you. You will find yourself missing that special person months from now. You've given up, and that's the moment you feel that person near you. You will see that person never left you. Whenever you're down or cry out he/she will pick you up if your friends haven't stuck around, You will feel his/her presence, and you'll be happy. 

Then you will know he/she's still here. You will know he/she still cares. He/she will follow you to places, his/her heart will always be with you, at your best and at your worst. You will sense everything about him/her around you, even when you're alone, You will know that he/she's going to be forever deep in the heart of yours. No matter where you are today or tomorrow, he/she will always be part of you...

Never forget...

Avant de partir

I was in the bus going home from work. My eyes were shutting every twenty seconds. I was so fucking tired, but I couldn't sleep. I wanted so bad to just lay on that seat for 5 minutes, but I couldn't. There was something that didn't let me. I don't know what it was. A thought, a feeling, just couldn't figure it out. It was so annoying. This something started a few days back, let's call it a feeling. A feeling of something's going to happen. I started to feel anger, anxiousness when the bus stopped. Suddenly I knew I was close to my bus stop. I got home earlier than usual. That feeling started again even more annoying. What the fuck was happening?? It was just a sting. The tiredness was overtaking the anxiety, and I closed my eyes thinking something is going to happen later.

I was fucking right again. I woke up after six hours with three unread messages. One of them was like this: "Need to talk to you about something". It hit me straight in the gut, this time even harder. Bang!!! That feeling again. For a second I felt like Nostradamus. Then I realised what it was that morning. I had some thoughts the last days that she will tell me something I won't like, just when I felt the things between us were better and better, meaning that our friendship was going in the right direction, like less hope from me and more straightforwardness from her, but I was wrong. She told me she wants a break from us being friends. Fucking again. Man, the shock was so painful that I start shaking. This is what that feeling was about. Somehow, something in me fucking knew this moment will come. There it was, and I was in the middle of it, trying to convince her to change her mind, but no one can compete with feelings. That's what she felt, that she needs a break. It was clear, she made it crystal clear. She didn't tell me exactly why or how she got to this point. Once again my confidence was shattered into pieces. All this was another punch in the face from faith. The final one. I just couldn't take it anymore. I told her if she goes, I prefer her not to come back ever again. It was the hardest thing I had to say in my entire life. At first there was the shock, more painful than the first one. I have never felt such pain, the thought that that was the last time I talk with her just paralyzed my whole body. I had to stop from doing anything. I went to the bathroom to wash my face, my tears and my thoughts. Then something very strange happened. I felt good. Fucking painful, but good. Somehow relieved, uncaged. What the fuck was happening?? What a day, man!!! I was so surprised about this ending. It was nothing that I expected, it was almost hilarious. I had to talk about it and I called someone, confessing about everything that happened in that batshit crazy afternoon. 

I knew a long time ago how this story ends, I just didn't want to acknowledge it, hoping for the greater good, and after that hoping for an eternal friendship. It didn't work out either way. The story began with a picture and ended with words, pretty much everything has that cycle. She did go down on my life as the woman that changed it. Changed it in a better way. I learned a lot from her, how to calm, how to speak, how to act better. I loved her in every possible way, if I did it right or wrong, only her can tell. It was time to let her go. Still asking myself what she would say in a certain situation. We all have that person. However I'm grateful that I met her years ago, and managed to stay in my restless heart for so long. A few people did that, she should be proud and maybe someday, somehow, she will forgive me for leaving...

"My angel hovers over

The light comes crashing in

I know it’s how this here story ends

I'll hang around forever

Until you cut me down

All pressed and ready to face the crowd"

Summer love (1)

"Fuck it, I'm going!!" I said. It was Woman's Day. All over the city, there were parties going on, and the colleagues from work chose one of the clubs I hate. "Fuck it, I'm going!!". My luck was that the club had a kinda retro theme combined with the occasion. I fancy retro music. It should've been a good night. And it was.

I got there in the middle of the party. The place was packed with people. You could smell the lust from outside. It was a cheap show. Cleavages as deep as the ocean. Cave men, horny men, lurked like puppies into fake attraction traps, at least there were good songs, but they couldn't compete with the people around. Most of them middle class people, having fun in their way. That kind of people like my colleagues, limited, who can drag you to obscure places.

No one was sitting down, talking, everyone was dancing. I liked that. Making connection with another by dancing. There was plenty of time for talking afterwards. I wanted a beer, I was thirsty but also to look integrated in there. Everyone had a drink in their hands. I don't know why I got more relaxed after a girl fake smiled me. I took another beer, and another. My integrating plan was working. I start dancing. I was in the middle of a circle formed by my colleagues. I didn't care anymore about those fuckers.  I was enjoying myself in a place that I hated before. I was having a good time. I got a little bit tired, and went to sit down to stretch  my legs. There were some sofas where people can rest and a table in front of the sofas to put your drinks. It was an "U" made of sofas. I noticed two girls on the other side of the table, looking and smiling at me. I smiled back, not creating the impression that I was a cold jerk. One of them was a blond and the other one had curly hair, but I couldn't see the colour because of the weak lights. The looking became more often, the smiles even nicer, and I could tell that they were talking about me, and giggling after. They weren't like the other girls in there. No shoving their cleavages in your face from across the room. They were simple. The second good thing since I got there. I went to get a beer, and when I came back, they were still there, following me with their looks. Something was going on. I got intrigued, but I was waiting for them to make a move. And it finally came. One of them stood, the blond one, while the other one tried to stop her. She came on my side of the table, sat next to me and said: "My friend says you're cute, but she's shy". Ok, so she was the wingman. "No threesome for me tonight!" I said to myself. "Ok, then, I'll come there to say hello" I told her with a big grin on my face. To be honest, the curly hair one, was cuter, so yeah, I was pretty excited. This was happening two weeks after I broke up with Miss Sensible. I was fucking pleased with myself. We stood up, and went back to their side. I couldn't see very well, but I think curly was blushing all over the face. She was even cuter than ten meters away. I sat next to her, smiling like a douchebag, trying to make a good impression. We started to talk, she had a nice voice as well. But I was amazed by her hair. Brown, so curly. She was smiling all the time. "My name is C." "Nice to meet you, C. My name is R." I asked her to give me her facebook name. We sat there, all three, laughed, bonding for quite some time. The dancefloor became emptier, so I asked her to dance. She already told me she loves to dance, so yeah, let's do this. I got the chance to see her ass, of course. Man, she was gifted!! "Could the night be more nicer than this?" We danced pretty much the rest of the night while I saw her blond friend so delighted being Cupidon. I had to admit, she did a good job.

Nothing happened that night. She didn't end up in my bed, or me in hers. It didn't feel right to do so. Not even a kiss. I was surprised, actually. We kissed on the cheeks though. She also smelled good, sweet. 

I got home that very early morning, and the first thing I did is to find her on facebook. Lucky me, it wasn't a fake name or account, she was there. Not a single sad picture, she was smiling in all of them. She had to be full of life. And, again, her ass was brilliant. "That ass will be mine someday!!!"

Love peak

Lasa-ma sa-ti spun si eu cum e cu dragostea. Stii idealul ala in care toata lumea are un suflet pereche? Toata lumea crede in acel ideal si totusi toata lumea e sceptica. Eu zic ca ala nu e un ideal, ci e un adevar cat se poate de simplu, dar stii ca intotdeauna lucrurile simple sunt complicate, nu-i asa? Da, un paradox frumos. E un adevar pentru ca absolut toata lumea a simtit acea dragoste, sau o simte. Aia care o simt sunt cei mai norocosi, noi restul doar am simtit-o si tanjim in continuare dupa ea. Poate ca ti se pare vag ceea ce spun, dar asa este, exista pentru fiecare. Nu-mi spune ca nu ma crezi, ca stiu ca ma minti, dar mai grav, te minti pe tine. Stiu, stii, stim cu totii ce simtim, dar intotdeauna reprimam. De ce? Nu stiu. Acel sentiment il ai o singura data in viata si stii exact cand se intampla, chiar daca e pentru un minut, o luna, sau ani, iar daca nu realizezi atunci, iti dai seama mai tarziu. Sa-ti dau exemplul meu. Am cunoscut o femeie acum cativa ani si de atunci n-a mai plecat din mintea mea nicio clipa, chiar daca n-am vorbit cu lunile. Am simtit ca ceva s-a intamplat cand am cunoscut-o, dar nu stiam ce. Aveam sa-mi dau seama ceva mai tarziu ca ea e sufletul meu pereche. Nu-ti trebuie nicio stiinta exacta sa-ti dai seama de asta. Simti. Si ceea ce simti nu e niciodata minciuna. Am iubit-o si o iubesc de ma cac pe mine. Ii iubesc fiecare centimetru de suflet, fiecare centimetru de trup, si crede-ma ca nimic in univers nu se compara cu sentimentul asta, de complet, nu de perfectiune, de complet. Te simti complet. Sunt unii care transforma asta in obsesie, dar se iarta, pentru ca in esenta e acelasi lucru. Dar se intampla ceva, ai zice ca asa e destinul, si scade in intensitate, din diferite motive, dar ramane, pentru ca ai simtit. Si cand te simti complet, ai atins varful, nu-i asa? Pentru mine unul stiu sigur ca mi s-a luat sansa sa fiu unul din norocosi, pentru am simtit cum puteam cuceri lumea impreuna. Pfaaaai si inca cum. Dar cum spuneam, nu toata lumea e norocoasa si ajungem sa tanjim si sa cautam acelasi lucru in altcineva, dar indiferent ce-ti va spune unul, altul, prin diferite metode, niciodata n-o sa te mai simti la fel de complet. Obiectivizand dragostea, aia sunt oamenii care n-au intalnit inca acest sentiment, actionand in necunostiinta de cauza. Dragostea nu e obiectiva, asta nu realizeaza ei. Vulnerabil fiind, vei accepta si te vei multumi cu mai putin, pentru ca asa ti-e destinat. Vei invata sa traiesti cu mai putin decat ai simtit in momentele alea de culme. Vei simti ca te-ai prabusit intr-un abis fara fund din care n-o sa mai iesi niciodata. Am trecut prin asta, dar tot aici sunt si-ti spun toate astea. Nimic din ceea ce ti-am spus n-a fost niciodata altcumva pentru nimeni, si nici n-o sa fie. Toata lumea are aceleasi secrete.

Lost in love

He enters in his shoebox. This is his world. One bed, one closet, one night stand, many books, and many maps stinged by tiny coloured pins in certain places. A little calendar with pretty pictures of different kinds of paradise, is hanging on the wall reminding him which date is every day with some marked events on every month. On the other wall is a wooden framed picture representing a little square surrounded by white houses with grey roofs. There is a pillar in the middle of the square which has nothing to do with the view. Such a ugly picture. Who paints a fucking pillar in the middle of the picture? It looks so stupid.

He crashes into the bed grabbing one of the books. Today is Poe. "This guy was so dark, like my fucking soul" he says to himself. "She says my soul is young, but a young cannot be so dark. Everything is dark in this room. Chaos!! It's a room where life doesn't reply. The Sun is for pussies. Check out the Moon. An inanimate cosmic object, but so full of mystery and thrill. Man I love Poe, he cracks me up. Oh, and Bukowski too. That fucking hippie. That miserable life of his, but so full of talent. I suppose I'm a hippie too, except the women, which makes me a modern hippie".

He deepens so much in those books. He likes it. He loves it. It's some kind of peace for him. He thinks it could count for something, somewhere, unlike his love. His love has to count for someone, but it didn't so far. It is his greatest quality, but nobody sees that, maybe because he doesn't know how to show it better. He often disappear in his thoughts, losing himself, feeling like shit, worthless. He doesn't want pity from no one. He wants to be loved. But when? When he will be exactly like an old hippie, full of memories, but full of shit? Love is not shitty, not for him. "Where's the meaningfulness of love? Where is the humanity in love? Are we humans when we love meaningless moments? We are the dumbest creatures, yet the wisest. Such a paradox. We are all fucking lost!! Lost in love!!"

Turn the page

I feel like I reached another end of the road. Another chapter is closing. I feel like I have to chose the people I want to come with me in this new thing rising up. It could be another turning point in my life, a place where I sit, thinking of what happened before, thinking of what I've done right or wrong, thinking why I've done those things, thinking I have to chose some people. Who stayed with me? Who's going to come with me? Who's going to be left behind? Who left me? Who's going to leave me?

I always believed in myself more others believed in me. I always believed in myself more than I believed in others. I was my first option. Maybe is time to be alone, maybe is time to run again, maybe is time to make new friends, maybe is time to find new places. I am my first option. It has been almost an year since I felt myself again. I fucking missed it. 
There are sleepless nights, like this one, when nothing seems right, and you feel trapped. No one likes you, or no one loves or cares or whatever, even your little sister, who supposed to be your little angel, the only one pure and innocent left in your miserable family but you realized this just now, too late, when she already knows things. You mistreat her, being selfish, not caring too much, and she flew away. You are afraid you're going to lose her if you go, because she doesn't care too much about your presence, but you feel you have to go. You never stay in one place, whether to escape from something left behind, or to try new, different things, new people and new memories. When you find yourself looking back at where you came from, you move further away from that point in your life. Some would say this is cold blood, heartless actions, but you don't care and go anyway. Now you're blaming yourself for letting her down, you wanted to be her saviour, her hero, but you failed. You fucking idiot!! You always do this, promising yourself you'll stay, but no, you're always running away. 
Love is the ultimate friendship. It always starts with some kind of magic, with physical or mental attraction, with rejection or even hatred. Eventually all this will fade away, and people tend to leave, but you'll end up with the one who stayed. That's how it works. That's why you're lonely, because you run. That's why no one will ever love you like you want. You know there is a hole in your soul that your parents never filled it up, and you're trying to fill it with other people's love, but it never works, it's never enough, because you're filling the wrong place. When you're going to learn this? Tomorrow? Next year? Never???

There are sleepless nights, like this one, in the place you're waiting to go, where you've lost your way. And then you feel her scent. You're losing yourself in shit, and you feel her scent, her apple scent!! You're breathing her name. You're having flashbacks from a period, the only period, you loved and cared for someone, other than yourself. You remember her spooning you, and felt the safest place in the universe, in her arms. There was nothing in the world that you ever wanted more than to never feel the falling apart. You've been told that time heals all wounds, but the scars that she gave you, you never want to lose.

But here you are, on the road again, here you are, ready to take off, and never look back. Fading into the fucking black, to the unknown. Will they going to follow you? Just go and see...

Pain

I'm just a man who has his wife by one hand, the world in the other hand. sitting with our feet in some pink sand. But no, I don't have a home, I'm forever roaming the world. It's the only part that I figured out. The rest is just fading away. I'm like a flame slowly consuming in the wind of love, flickering every time I fall for someone. I'm so full of love that I can barely stand. Terrible, overwhelming and consuming love. Who the fuck will accept this? Especially who the fuck needs this? Her? No way!! Another? Hard to believe!! The secret of true love is the balance between quality and quantity in both ways, receiving and giving. In my life I had received too much of nothing and I was giving too much of everything.

Usually I don't chase girls, they chase me. and that's because I don't know how to behave in that situation. Too needy, too friendly and too fucking stupid. That's me when I'm not me. The end is always the same. Why am I falling for someone every time I get the slightest attention? Because I'm too fucking stupid. Every fucking time!!!
That's when I want to disappear. Running away from all this shit and do the same thing all over again. Meeting good people, interesting people, making new friends, and disappointing them in the end. All the time I say I'm running towards my dream, but I don't know what dream I'm talking about. Still going ahead, to neverland, waiting for a miracle. They say that a miracle will come only once in a lifetime. I think I had mine, and I blew it. Four short fucking months. The best period of my life, my love peak, and I blew it. I know those moments won't come back. I know she's not coming back. I'm craving for another miracle like that, which came from nowhere. I want another hit like that, but who's crazy enough to do that? Who's going to risk that, these days? Yeah, I hope, but...
It's never enough, I'm dying every night, and when I wake up is worse. The memories of yesterday are haunting the shit out of me. When do I fucking learn? I go over those conversations, those messages, going into a hole with no end, wishing I wasn't me. The pain strikes me in the guts. No one can hear my screams, always filled with dreams that never come true...