I was in the bus going home from work. My eyes were shutting every twenty seconds. I was so fucking tired, but I couldn't sleep. I wanted so bad to just lay on that seat for 5 minutes, but I couldn't. There was something that didn't let me. I don't know what it was. A thought, a feeling, just couldn't figure it out. It was so annoying. This something started a few days back, let's call it a feeling. A feeling of something's going to happen. I started to feel anger, anxiousness when the bus stopped. Suddenly I knew I was close to my bus stop. I got home earlier than usual. That feeling started again even more annoying. What the fuck was happening?? It was just a sting. The tiredness was overtaking the anxiety, and I closed my eyes thinking something is going to happen later.
I was fucking right again. I woke up after six hours with three unread messages. One of them was like this: "Need to talk to you about something". It hit me straight in the gut, this time even harder. Bang!!! That feeling again. For a second I felt like Nostradamus. Then I realised what it was that morning. I had some thoughts the last days that she will tell me something I won't like, just when I felt the things between us were better and better, meaning that our friendship was going in the right direction, like less hope from me and more straightforwardness from her, but I was wrong. She told me she wants a break from us being friends. Fucking again. Man, the shock was so painful that I start shaking. This is what that feeling was about. Somehow, something in me fucking knew this moment will come. There it was, and I was in the middle of it, trying to convince her to change her mind, but no one can compete with feelings. That's what she felt, that she needs a break. It was clear, she made it crystal clear. She didn't tell me exactly why or how she got to this point. Once again my confidence was shattered into pieces. All this was another punch in the face from faith. The final one. I just couldn't take it anymore. I told her if she goes, I prefer her not to come back ever again. It was the hardest thing I had to say in my entire life. At first there was the shock, more painful than the first one. I have never felt such pain, the thought that that was the last time I talk with her just paralyzed my whole body. I had to stop from doing anything. I went to the bathroom to wash my face, my tears and my thoughts. Then something very strange happened. I felt good. Fucking painful, but good. Somehow relieved, uncaged. What the fuck was happening?? What a day, man!!! I was so surprised about this ending. It was nothing that I expected, it was almost hilarious. I had to talk about it and I called someone, confessing about everything that happened in that batshit crazy afternoon.
I knew a long time ago how this story ends, I just didn't want to acknowledge it, hoping for the greater good, and after that hoping for an eternal friendship. It didn't work out either way. The story began with a picture and ended with words, pretty much everything has that cycle. She did go down on my life as the woman that changed it. Changed it in a better way. I learned a lot from her, how to calm, how to speak, how to act better. I loved her in every possible way, if I did it right or wrong, only her can tell. It was time to let her go. Still asking myself what she would say in a certain situation. We all have that person. However I'm grateful that I met her years ago, and managed to stay in my restless heart for so long. A few people did that, she should be proud and maybe someday, somehow, she will forgive me for leaving...
"My angel hovers over
The light comes crashing in
I know it’s how this here story ends
I'll hang around forever
Until you cut me down
All pressed and ready to face the crowd"