I said many times before that I'll stop writing about her, but there is no truthful way than writing, at least for me, that's why we hide sometimes behind text messages on the phone or whatever. Despite the need to write about or for her, it's the most hardest thing I had to write; I'm maybe repeating myself writing this post, but it involves so many emotions and feelings, it drags me to hell and back, and I'm feeling good doing it. You might say that I'm a masochist or a sick person, but honestly, I don't give a fuck.
Yes, people!!! I love her! I'll love her even if we'll be friends or not. If I could marry her, I would propose her tomorrow. Yeah, I know! It's not that simple. "That ship sailed" she told me the other day. We talked about reciprocity a million times. She can't share the same feelings as me. And it hurts like a motherfucker. I don't know to show anymore how much I'm sorry for being an idiot, doing what I did.
It all started in a cold rainy november night. That's when I met her for the first time, out of nowhere. Everything was online. Other nights followed, she said one thing, I said another, like a game, and we end up knowing each other for years, in just two weeks. In that first night we talked until morning. When I went to bed that morning, I had an obsessive grin on my face. At that moment, I didn't realized that grin was because I've met the woman who will change my life.
I saw her for the first time face to face on a Christmas Eve. That was the fucking moment. There was a feeling in my gut that she might be the one. The perfect dark storm, man. I couldn't see no one, except her. I don't how to describe the next two months that followed that Christmas Eve, maybe I would say the best two months of my miserable life so far. A combination of love, sex, hatred, anger, passion, happiness and sadness. Perfect? Hardly.
After a period of absolute bliss, I wished it would last forever and then I fucked it up. A fucking disaster. It was a shinny morning when she left. The Sun was laughing in my face. I believe that was the saddest day of my life, I wasn't feeling anything at all, lethargic moves, acting from inertia. The girl with the heart of gold left me in tears begging silently for a second chance. Since that day I never viewed women the same way. Definitely she took my heart, I think she took a part of my soul too that never came back. I didn't know how to be with her. My insecurity made her distant, my arrogance made her angry, the whole thing was because of me. I didn't know that for six months. Six months.. I don't know where the fuck I was those months, I screwed everything I had, that's for sure. After six months I realized what I've done. But it was too late. "That ship sailed". How ironic!!
Since then we had our ups and downs, like a living roller coaster in a dead fun park. We stayed friends, we didn't talk for months as well, but her love knife was still in my chest, still is...
Now I regret what I did then. "I'm a sucker for happy endings. The guy gets the girl, she saves him from himself, fade to fucking black" said a wise man. She still wakes things in me that I never thought they exist. I wish a time machine to go back to met her earlier, just to love her better, not more.
At the end of the day, sitting in my favorite chair, I know it's all about her, it's finding myself with another person. Being with me won't be sunny at all. No matter what happens, she's my favorite funny and intelligent girl, she's my favorite smile, she's my favorite perfect messed up hair, she's my favorite eyes, she's my favorite soul with my favorite personality, she's my favorite one, she's my right one...
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